Today was a beautiful day...

Today was a beautiful day…

    I got to go and try on wedding dresses with three of my beautiful friends/sisters/bridesmaids, Augusta (Beans), Megan and Nicole. It started off with wonderful treats from Starbucks and then a twenty minute drive to Montclair, a near by city. On the way there there was lots of chatter in the car…however inside my stomach was turning I was so excited and yet so very nervous all at the same time. I wondered what I would look like dressed up as a bride…would I be as beautiful as I had always dreamed…well I certainly wasn’t expecting what was to come.

    On arrival I was greeted and handed some paper work to fill out and then I met Tanya, sweet Tanya who was going to be my wedding consultant for the day, she was gentle and sweet, which was just the perfect fit for me and for this day. We discussed different things I like and then Tanya was off to find dresses while I had to change into more fitting attire to try on wedding dresses ;) Then in came Tanya with the first dress, it was pretty but definitely not all that I had imagined or hoped for…I stepped out of the fitting room on to the platform and the girls all commented and so did Tanya and so did I…on what I liked and didn’t like…then it was on to the next dress…which Nicole, had already told me she didn’t like. It was a dress that was slightly shorted at the front and then getting longer in the back…it was interesting and different…just not the one. So the girls and I decided to take some fun pics, while Tanya went on the search for another dress for me to try.

    When she found one we headed on back to the fitting room while doing this Tanya said how she wasn’t sure if this is what I would like but that it seemed to have a lot of my ideas combined in one and so it was worth a try…and so…it was BEAUTIFUL! As I walked out all the girls gasped at the beauty they saw. I walked over to the platform…looked long and hard in the mirror and started to gently cry…crying at how beautiful I felt…I don’t think I have ever felt so beautiful in all my life…and it wasn’t just the beautiful wedding dress I was in…it was the overwhelming beauty of love…the love that I get to experience with the most amazing man…the beauty of being his bride and the beauty of being his wife…it was a moment that my heart will never forget…a moment filled with depth of beauty, overwhelming joy, and an excitement that felt so peaceful.

Today was a beautiful day! 

Praising in the storm...

     Throughout life I have encounter various storms, storms of hurt, storms of disappointment, storms of frustration, storms of confusion, storms of struggle, they have been hard and challenging storms. Even in this very moment, I find myself in a storm, one that is confusing, challenging and hard. However, I have found myself asking the question, what will I do? How do I choose to respond while in this storm?

     I was challenged the other day by my fiancé to take time out and spend my day praising God, to praise the God who gives and takes away, to praise Him even though every ounce of my human nature, wanted to cry out in frustration and disappointment and confusion, he challenged me to do nothing but simply praise the maker of heaven and earth, the maker of me, the maker of life.

     I am realizing that every ounce of the pain we feel while in the very middle of a storm is important in the refining of who we are, of who we believe God to be. I believe that something beautiful happens when in the midst of hardship we choose to praise our God, not because of what He can do but merely because of who He is, His very essence. When we choose to lift our hands, in complete surrender, letting go of ourselves, and even though we are torn between our pain and understanding, we still choose to praise, to praise with all that we are.

     I am realizing that no matter what the storm may be and no matter what it may bring, I will not be moved. That as I praise the God of heaven and earth, that something within me is strengthened, regardless of the weakness I may feel while in the storm, the more I praise God for WHO He is, the more my strength to carry on through the storm is renewed, knowing that I am not alone, that my God is ALL that I need, that WHO He is, is more than enough for me and that He is worthy of all my praise, regardless of whether there is rain or shine, whether there is peace or turmoil, whether there is calm or restlessness, regardless I will praise my God, for He and He alone is worthy of all my praise. 

Healing...

Healing is painful…whether it is physical or emotion…it is still painful. After surgery, the recovery process is painful, your body is healing, if it’s a hip replacement, you need time to begin walking again and this process is painful. So just like physical healing, emotional healing is painful. Healing is something that I have struggled with for a large part of my life, I have been sick time and time again and believing for healing has been a challenge. I have been told I simply don’t have enough faith, as well as, that I haven’t tried the latest doctors or technologies. Regardless of what people say, I believe that my healing will come at some point.

Currently however, I am on a different type of journey of healing, I am healing emotionally. I am healing from wounds that I have kept bandaged up for a long time, and wounds I have tried to pretend are not there, until they begun infecting others parts of my being. Emotional healing is painful. There are days, well most days, that I wish I could say it wasn’t. Days when the depth of my soul cries out, but then are those days, the days of hope and sunshine, the days of knowing that this process is called healing and that I am walking in that each and every moment. These are the days that I love, these are the days that encourage not only me, but those around me, these are the days that God’s glory shines through and it is impossible to deny His existence, these are the days of healing.

I think the reason healing is so painful is because there is something that needs to be removed and that is painful, just like taking off a band aid is painful when your little, so is the removal of other things, body parts, bondage, lies, abuse, hurt, un-forgiveness, hate, anger, frustration, denial, etc. The removal is painful but in order to heal, removal is necessary. From there it is then the mending of the wound, the empty place, which then turns into a scar, which for a while, when looking at it, may still be painful BUT after time, it becomes a beautiful reminder of surviving, of fighting, of letting go, of determination, of ashes that were turned into beauty, and of the mourning that becomes joy. Healing is painful but ultimately healing is beautiful.