We all have a need to settle, a desire to be grounded, to have a place called home. We love to decorate our places we call home. It is a way of making them our own, a way of creating a space in the world that is just ours, a place that we can return to at the end of long and stressful days, a place to celebrate and rejoice in, a place that we can share with others, a place that can invite them in. We all desire a place like this. A place that will remain constant regardless of the season. However, I am realizing at the moment that the season in which you find yourself can be evidently expressed in your surroundings without you even realizing it.
This is something I discovered recently when I was sitting in my apartment, looking around at the blank and empty walls with a deep aching that this truly doesn’t’ t feel like home, that this is not my home. I can most definitely say that this self-discovery was a difficult one, as I think being honest with ourselves always is. We all value honesty, however when it comes to being honest with ourselves that is where we find ourselves being the most dishonest. So in this moment of brutal honesty with myself, I realized that my apartment is a very vivid and clear representation of where I am at, the season in which I find myself. I am in my last year of college, senior year baby! Yes it is wonderful but with it comes some interesting aspects and self-discoveries. For me, I found that my undecorated apartment reflected my heart and the state of transition that it is in. Every other year of college my apartment has been decorated and it has been one of my most absolute favorite times of the year. However, this year I have everything to decorate with, but it is all so neatly packed in small boxes just sitting. These boxes are filled with wonderful treasures but the fear of allowing those treasures to come out for a small period of time after which everything will change is daunting. This is true of my heart and the treasures that I hold deep within it, there is a fear of allowing that settling and rootedness to continue knowing that before I know it my heart and my apartment will be packed up and onto the next season of life.
This is a season of transition, a time of reflecting back upon, and a time of looking towards but I think we miss the beauty of the undecorated apartment season. The season in which we just get to sit and look around, behind, ahead but most importantly within. To look, deep within and to find our settling and rootedness in one thing, Christ. By no means do I belittle this season; I am processing through this on a constant basis with the people that are nearest and dearest to my heart. But I do think that this is a time of saying Lord no matter what the undecorated apartment looks like may what resides inside be beautiful and glorifying, that in whatever season we may be, that we remember that the God who loves us is there in the midst of that season, that we are never alone, that our God goes with us.
The thing I love about the undecorated apartment is that it pushes to something more, it pushes you to long for something more, it pushes you to search for home. This doesn’t necessarily mean moving from the undecorated apartment but learning to be fully present in the undecorated apartment, learning to give all of you to where you are right now, to be fully present where you are. Today a wise woman said that God’s will is not found in the future but rather it is found right here in this day right where you are at. For any of you that may be like me, I am a planner, I love to have my ducks in a row, I love to look ahead and plan and map out and look forward to. There is nothing wrong with this but when this takes us away from being fully present where we are, we need to check ourselves. The faithfulness of our God is not only found in what lies ahead it is found in this very day, it is found right where you are. When life gets uncomfortable we tend to run towards the next thing that will make life feel good and comfortable but in this we miss the wonder and awe of a God that meets us in the mist of an uncomfortable season, day, or moment.
The undecorated apartment is teaching me many things about myself, about this season, and about honesty with myself. The undecorated apartment has turned from something that was uncomfortable and frustrating to something that has bought clarity, hope and appreciation for seasons and times. It has challenged me to allow for sitting in the now and opening my treasures up to that, knowing that regardless of how quickly or not the now goes by, there will be another now and that will require the very same thing of me. The undecorated apartment is teaching me to be vulnerable and allowing God to be present with me right here and now in the midst of it.
