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The Undecorated Apartment

We all have a need to settle, a desire to be grounded, to have a place called home. We love to decorate our places we call home. It is a way of making them our own, a way of creating a space in the world that is just ours, a place that we can return to at the end of long and stressful days, a place to celebrate and rejoice in, a place that we can share with others, a place that can invite them in. We all desire a place like this. A place that will remain constant regardless of the season. However, I am realizing at the moment that the season in which you find yourself can be evidently expressed in your surroundings without you even realizing it.

This is something I discovered recently when I was sitting in my apartment, looking around at the blank and empty walls with a deep aching that this truly doesn’t’ t feel like home, that this is not my home. I can most definitely say that this self-discovery was a difficult one, as I think being honest with ourselves always is. We all value honesty, however when it comes to being honest with ourselves that is where we find ourselves being the most dishonest. So in this moment of brutal honesty with myself, I realized that my apartment is a very vivid and clear representation of where I am at, the season in which I find myself. I am in my last year of college, senior year baby! Yes it is wonderful but with it comes some interesting aspects and self-discoveries. For me, I found that my undecorated apartment reflected my heart and the state of transition that it is in. Every other year of college my apartment has been decorated and it has been one of my most absolute favorite times of the year. However, this year I have everything to decorate with, but it is all so neatly packed in small boxes just sitting. These boxes are filled with wonderful treasures but the fear of allowing those treasures to come out for a small period of time after which everything will change is daunting. This is true of my heart and the treasures that I hold deep within it, there is a fear of allowing that settling and rootedness to continue knowing that before I know it my heart and my apartment will be packed up and onto the next season of life.

This is a season of transition, a time of reflecting back upon, and a time of looking towards but I think we miss the beauty of the undecorated apartment season. The season in which we just get to sit and look around, behind, ahead but most importantly within. To look, deep within and to find our settling and rootedness in one thing, Christ. By no means do I belittle this season; I am processing through this on a constant basis with the people that are nearest and dearest to my heart. But I do think that this is a time of saying Lord no matter what the undecorated apartment looks like may what resides inside be beautiful and glorifying, that in whatever season we may be, that we remember that the God who loves us is there in the midst of that season, that we are never alone, that our God goes with us.

The thing I love about the undecorated apartment is that it pushes to something more, it pushes you to long for something more, it pushes you to search for home. This doesn’t necessarily mean moving from the undecorated apartment but learning to be fully present in the undecorated apartment, learning to give all of you to where you are right now, to be fully present where you are. Today a wise woman said that God’s will is not found in the future but rather it is found right here in this day right where you are at. For any of you that may be like me, I am a planner, I love to have my ducks in a row, I love to look ahead and plan and map out and look forward to. There is nothing wrong with this but when this takes us away from being fully present where we are, we need to check ourselves. The faithfulness of our God is not only found in what lies ahead it is found in this very day, it is found right where you are. When life gets uncomfortable we tend to run towards the next thing that will make life feel good and comfortable but in this we miss the wonder and awe of a God that meets us in the mist of an uncomfortable season, day, or moment.

The undecorated apartment is teaching me many things about myself, about this season, and about honesty with myself. The undecorated apartment has turned from something that was uncomfortable and frustrating to something that has bought clarity, hope and appreciation for seasons and times. It has challenged me to allow for sitting in the now and opening my treasures up to that, knowing that regardless of how quickly or not the now goes by, there will be another now and that will require the very same thing of me. The undecorated apartment is teaching me to be vulnerable and allowing God to be present with me right here and now in the midst of it.

Missing in action

Yes...I have been missing in action and haven't blogged in a while. Internet here at home (Zimbabwe) is certainly a luxury and something that is hard to come by on a good day. I have so much to write about and will post more as soon as I can...but just wanted to let you know why there hasn't been much posted from me lately. I will post as soon as I can get on the Internet on my computer, currently posting this from my phone :) I hope you are having a happy Tuesday. Love and blessings to you all.

Seduction

This word rings different bells in each of our heads. However, for me I am learning the things that I am seduced by. Seduction isn’t merely a woman seducing a man. We are seduced by many things, media, music, books, TV, stories, products, shoes, purses, and technology. The list could go on. We are seduced. It is up to us whether or not we choose to acknowledge that and if we are willing to look at what we are seduced by. I am realizing that my greatest seduction is perfection, everything being right. I am constantly seduced by the concept of everything being perfect, my life, my hair, my makeup, the things I do, my school work, ministry, the way I set things up, the way I write things, how I talk, how I present myself, how I help people. I am seduced by this thing called perfectionism. It looks beautiful, fulfilling, meaningful and wonderful from a distance. However, once you buy into the lie. It is like poison. It runs through your veins in a vicious way, devouring every ounce of grace in your life. You become consumed by everything needing to be perfect. I am addicted to the chase of perfection. It is an exhausting, draining and never-ending chase. It may not kill you physically, but emotionally and spiritually it begins to kill you slowly. It eats away at your joy, your hope, your freedom, the gift of life that we have each and every day, the mercies of the Lord that are new with each day, the grace God gives us and it takes away from the fact that the only perfect part of life is God. He is a perfect God. We are not perfect and He does not call us to perfection. Yes, He calls us to strive with all that we have to serve and glorify Him, but not perfectly, simply whole-heartedly. I am learning that when I try to make everything perfect I short change my God. I tell Him that He is not needed, that I am in control and that I can do it all perfectly. Instead of leaving me and walking away from me, He gently waits. He waits to help me, to mend the broken pieces that I create in my crazy addiction of achieving perfection. He gently reminds me that it is in my imperfection that He shines through and is seen as the perfect and loving God, that in my weakness He is made strong. That is a hard concept for me. I don’t like to think of myself as weak. That word defines something that our culture, our peers, our families, they all tell us it is not okay. We are told to be strong, to hang in there, to keep fighting, to keep going. However, I believe it is ok for us to stop in our moment of brokenness, of hurt, of betrayal, of sin, of weakness, to stop being strong and to allow Him to be made strong, allow Him and all His grace, redemption and mercy to shine through. I am learning that there is no other way to face life than allowing our God to be strong, to be our strength, because it is that strength that speaks loudly to the world because it is incomprehensible.

So today, I don’t know what you are seduced by, there are many things for each of us and perfection is only one of mine, but it is a HUGE one, it is the one that I am having to surrender in prayer not every day, but throughout the day, because it is there lingering in everything I do. My hope is that we can be honest with ourselves and with the people in our lives that we trust and love. That we can share what seduces us, what entices us, because when we realize and acknowledge what it is we can begin to seek freedom, freedom in Christ, freedom to be weak so that God can be who He is, strong and mighty, just and loving, forgiving and restoring.

Home

I am realizing that home is more than a place…it truly is where your heart is…my heart is in Africa, in Zimbabwe, but more than that Rob is becoming my home. I am realizing that this beautiful place Zimbabwe will always be my physical home, but the feeling of home is with Rob. I am at home when I am with him and for this I am thankful. I am thankful because I know that no matter where in the world the Lord has us or calls us, whether it is here in Zimbabwe our home or a foreign land somewhere else, Rob is home for me and that as long as we are together we can make another place “home”.

I have really been thinking about life in three different countries and it has been a lot of hard processing for me, I deeply wish that the very different but very special three worlds in which I live could all collide in a beautiful way. I wish my wonderful American friends could see the beauty of the place that I call home, I wish my family could return to the place that they call home too. This season is a hard one for me if I am completely honest. I daydream of what it could be like having my bestest friends be here in Africa with me, to grow old together, to see each other get married, to watch each other have children and create a family, to laugh together, to cry together, to pray together, to worship together, to do life together, just like we do now.

I never thought it was true that the friends you make in college will be your friends forever…well here I am…knowing full well that that is true…that the girls that I have been with for the past three years are the friends that will be in my life forever, if we are a couple continents away and some 32,000miles away…they are my life friends, my heart friends, my soul sisters. I love all of you deeply and am so thankful for the blessing of true friendship. Thank you for creating home for me when I am far away from my physical home as well as my emotional home, Rob. Thank you for being my home away from home.

Summer Surprises

I love surprises, whether small or big, I think they are great!!! J I am so happy that I got to surprise my amazing fiancé. I arrived home three days earlier than he was expecting me to and the look on his face and his very high pitched scream of excitement were priceless!!!! I love seeing him overjoyed and happy. This was a beautiful moment! I am excited for this summer and all that the Lord has for us, for ministry, and for friends and family. May this summer be filled with many more sweet surprises…

Airports and Africa

I made it! I have been traveling for three days to Zimbabwe…three plane rides and four different countries and here I am…home! Along my journey there were many mixed emotions partly to do with what I wrote about previously in The End Of Junior Year… the other part was filled with great excitement and then the other part was wonder and mystery…just as I was on a journey, there were thousands of other people all on journeys at the same time as me. I was filled with wonder as to where they could be going, are they travelling alone or together, are they happy or are they sad, are they tired or is this just the beginning part of their journey….so many thoughts. Anyway I wanted to know…I wanted to know their journey, their story and then I wondered why this was important to me and I realized that I wanted to know their story, their journey is a part of their story in one way or another, but I was deeply desiring to know their stories. See the importance of story has become so evident in my life over this past year…there is power in your story…there is pain, beauty, redemption, grace, healing, abounding joy, grief, whatever it may be…your story has meaning. I never believed that my story had meaning, because all I felt with my story was a whole lot of shame and guilt and those emotions are lies and tools from the enemy, I knew that, I just didn’t believe it. However, over this past year I have had to share my story time and time again, as a leader within my campus community. The first time I ever shared my life story in full was on an 11day-hiking trip in the wilderness with a group of fellow leaders whom I hardly knew. The next morning after sharing my story I had the most amazing quiet time with the Lord where He reminded me that my story was not about me and my decisions, both good and bad, but that it was about HIM that it was about His Redeeming Love, His mercies, His grace, and that it was all for His glory and that when I share my story it is only one of the many examples of how good of a God He is and that HE changes lives.

So what is your story? What are the parts of your story that you are ashamed of? What are the parts of your story that you are proud of? I believe that your story has meaning and that God can use it to show His glory wherever and with whomever you choose to share your story with. So I challenge and encourage you to start sharing your story. It has meaning!

The End of Junior Year

As the end of another school year dawns on me…there are many mixed emotions that I feel. I am filled with excitement and joy at the thought of leaving for Zimbabwe in a few days…the excitement and joy there is in seeing my amazing man and spending three whole months together over joys my heart. I can’t wait to be there serving the Lord with him, laughing with him, talking with him, loving him and simply soaking up each and every sweet moment with him.

Although there is a huge amount of sweetness ahead, there is also this bitterness that lies in this up coming season, not a resentment type of bitterness but rather a bitter-sweetness. As this year comes to an end, I only have one more year until I have my Social Work degree and until I return home, those two things fill my heart with great excitement. However, there are some goodbyes that lie ahead. I have spent three(soon to be four) growing, challenging and beautiful years at APU with some amazing people that will forever be a part of my life. However, some will not and I will be saying goodbye and even the ones that will, it doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier. I remember the very first time I left Zimbabwe and someone said to me the goodbyes will get easier each time, oh how they were so wrong. The goodbyes on both sides of the world get harder and harder each time. My life seems filled with goodbyes, well I guess more like see you laters, but boy oh boy are they extremely hard see you laters. Having three countries in the world that have some very special people, is a hard place to be, Zimbabwe, England and America. Zimbabwe and the people that are there, my Rob, is my home, it is the place my heart yearns for. England has my very precious family, my mum and my brothers. America has the place I have developed my skills, passions, and where I have made the most wonderful girlfriends that I get to do life with each and everyday. We have walked through heartaches, deaths, family separations, betrayals, as well as great achievements, jobs, celebrations, awards, leadership opportunities, and huge God moments in each of our lives. These girls have become more than my friends they have become my sisters, my family. Then there are the woman that have poured into my life in ways that I could never have imagined or dreamed of, that have gone to doctors appointments with me, sat by me in the hospital, had lunches and coffee dates with me, have walked through trying times and rejoicing times, these woman have been salt and light in my life, they have sat quietly with me and they have spoken words of truth over me. They are woman that have been used by God to continually shape and mold me.

I know I still have a year ahead of me filled with great moments but this past weekend I went to watch some of my beautiful friends graduate and got to partake in the bitter-sweetness of that moment with them and my heart for the first time truly felt the weight of the season that lies ahead for me. It’s not a negative weight or a negative season, it truly is a bitter-sweet one, which is beautiful. You see there wouldn’t be any problem if this was hard because it was negative, the difficulty lies in that this is beautiful that the relationships I have in many parts of the world are deep and real and genuine and that that is why saying goodbyes is hard, because we have some special. I am so very blessed to know and be known by all these beautiful people. I am blessed to have something to grieve over saying goodbye to. I am blessed that walking out of one season and into another is both beautiful and extremely hard. I am blessed because my life is deeply enriched through all of these moments I have shared and will continue to share with people over the next year and then the years that are still to come too. I am blessed.

Thank you God for beautiful people, for beautiful moments, and for beautiful seasons. Thank you that the bitter-sweetness of life is a beautiful and hard thing and thank you that I have an enriched life through the people that you have brought my way. Thank you that as we embark on another part of this journey and another season, that you are there with us, in the bitter moments and in the sweet ones. Thank you that you are ever-present. Thank you for life, friends and family. AMEN.

Happy Birthday

Today is a very special day…it is my mum’s birthday!!! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!!!

I am so thankful for her life and for the life that she has given and created for me over the years. She is an amazing mother, friend and confidant. My life most certainly would not be the same without her. I am thankful that another year has passed filled with life, joy and beauty and that I have gotten to spend precious moments with her.

Here are some of the things that make my mum who she is…

her strength

her love

her joy

her contagious laugh

her smile

her compassion

her forgiveness

her gentleness

her hope

her belief

her listening ears

her wisdom

her heart

her generosity

her determination

her perseverance

her courage

her bravery

her selflessness

her thankfulness for life

her hugs

her kisses

her presence (even when miles away)

her protection

her helping hands

Today I don’t get to be right next to my mummy to hug and kiss her happy birthday, but none the less here it is ma…HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I love you so very much!!! I pray that the Lord continues to bless you in the days and years that still lie ahead and may you find rest, peace, hope, faith and love in Him! You are His beloved!!! Have the most amazing day mummy, I am so thankful for your life and this beautiful day that we get to celebrate your birth!!! You are loved mummy!! Thinking of you, celebrating you, and missing you!!! xxx

You are more

This week more than ever I have needed to be reminded that I am more…that I am more than the mistakes I have made…I am more than the choices I have made in the past…that I am more…That I am fearfully and wonderfully made…that God calls me His and that I am created in His image…that I have been remade…that I am more not because of what I have done but because of what Christ has done!!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” – Genesis 1:27

“We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” – Romans 6:4

I am so thankful for beautiful songs and for artists that put into words the thoughts of many and that reflect the heart of our God in the music they make. I heard this song a couple of weeks ago and thought it was so good, little did I realize that it would be a tool of reminding me of who God is and who I am because of Him.

I hope this speaks to your heart as much as it did mine J

Tenth Avenue North – You are More

 Have a wonderful Monday!!!

My Special Treat

Ok…so seeing as I have recently committed to and promised myself to write more (based off of my written things blog) instead of going out and buying a new journal I did something else…I got my blog designed!!! J

Doesn’t it just look beautiful?!

A BIG thank you to a beautiful and gifted woman, Christa!!! I highly recommend her...you can discover more about her and some of her other designs here. She is wonderful!!

So…I am loving my newly designed blog and this season of renewed writing.

Hope you are all having a beautiful Saturday!

Written Things...

So there is something solid about something that is written…love poems…stories…the Bible…goodbye letters…in each of these there is something solid. I am someone that loves to write…I have been writing journals for years now and have boxes full of them. However, over the past few years of life my journaling has been sporadic…here and there…I have maybe made it through 4 or 5 journals over the past three years…that for me is terrible. Usually in 3 months I could go through more than 4 or 5 journals. My mum always bought me journals as well as friends, because every one knew that that was the perfect gift for me…too write away.

Writing for me has been my release my escape…my way of surrendering. However, for the past couple of years there has not been a lot of that and so I find myself here where I am today and realize that I haven’t been surrendering…releasing or processing in the way that I know is the healthiest for me. Not journaling has been another way that I have been running…another way of attempting to be in complete control. So here it is the beginning of a new season for me…a season of finding the rest that comes when I write because when I write I am not merely writing, I am letting go … forgiving … releasing … surrendering…processing but above all…I am ultimately healing!!! I don’t write merely for the enjoyment or the satisfaction of having people read it but rather writing is the way in which I allow myself to be vulnerable…I open the parts of me that not many times are opened and the parts that not many people get to share in…those hidden parts…those sacred parts…but here I am getting vulnerable because there is something beautiful that happens when we strip everything away and we are who we are … whole … broken…hurt…happy…scared…brave…ugly…beautiful…all of us is revealed when we choose to be vulnerable…because it is in that moment that we realize its not even about us but rather it is about our big and powerful and mighty God that holds us oh so gently in the palm of His hand. That when we are vulnerable His glory shines through because without Him we are nothing.

So today as I write I am thankful for the healing that is happening in me…for the grace and glory of the Lord that shines through my weaknesses…I am thankful for vulnerability and for the gift of writing. I am thankful for written things…for the solidity we find in things written…the writings that will tell of the seasons and changes in life but beyond that the written things that will remind us of the glory of our God and that through whichever written things, He remains the ultimate writer and author of everything and that what He writes is good and perfect. 

Some of the things I love...

I love…my family. I have been blessed with the most amazing mum! She is a woman that goes above and beyond in everything in life. Her courage, strength and determination inspire me. She is fun loving and I don’t know anyone that finds it hard to get along with her. I am thankful for the values she raised me with and for the heart to love all people no matter what. I deeply hope that one day I will be a beautiful mother just like her. My two younger brothers are wonderful. They are growing into great young men and I am so proud of both of them and love them deeply.

                                                                 Brad, Me, Boyd, Mum

I love…my soon to be family. They are wonderful people with big hearts and a lot of love. They have embraced me with a genuine love and care, even before I was going to be part of the family.

The Chifokoyo Men

Rob (my fiance), TJ, Julius (future father-in-law), Mudiwa, Karl

Olivia (future mother-in-law) 

Tj and Melissa

Caelis and Kieran (niece and nephew)

I love…my girl friends…I am so thankful for each and every one of them…for the joy they bring to my life. There is a depth like no other to these relationships…they are more than friends…they are my family. We have bonded over coffee dates, movies, living together, traveling together, crying together, laughing together and doing life together no matter how wonderful or how challenging. They add beauty and sincerity to my life. They are an amazing example of being the body. They are my life-long treasure, friends and sisters whom I love deeply.

 Beansie my bestie

Nicole, me, Augusta

Beans, Schmeller, Schmouse

 My beautiful Butterfly (Asher)

Me, Regina (Gigi) and Bre

 Me and Nicole (AKA Schmeller...roomies for all 4years of college)

 Me and Megan (my beautiful angel of a friend)

 Nicole, Megan, me, Beans

(A day that I will NEVER forget)

I love…the children in Zimbabwe that have forever changed my heart. I am thankful for each of their lives and the blessing of being a part of their lives. I love them deeply. The joy that beams out of each of them is deeply moving and profound. Their smiles are filled with a deep sense of gratitude for life each and every day, it is humbling. I have learned life lessons and values from spending time with them; they change my life every moment. I have learned grace, humility, thankfulness, patience, perseverance, determination, faith and HOPE from each of them. So they are one of the areas of my life that I love the most.

 Anna and Tino

 Me and Tino

 Blessing (AKA BB)

 Gamu

 Tadiwa

 Tino

Rob teaching/talking to some of the kids

I love…when people have a heart to change the world, when they desire justice and equality for all, when they appreciate that Christ sacrificed everything for ALL people, when people will go beyond their comfort zones to not only meet the needs of others…but to empower them to meet their own needs, to equip them and educate them. I love when people love others.

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I love…the ocean…there is something serene and humble and peaceful about being by the ocean. God’s creation is breath taking and the ocean is just one of the examples of that. I love the feeling of the sand between my toes and the water washing up on my feet, as I gaze into the vast mass of water that lies ahead of me. There is something very special about water for me, it represents life and renewal, and it washes away dirty stains and cleanses wounds. It is representative of the Living Water, Christ.

I love…arts and crafts. Making things with my hands is deeply rewarding and satisfying. I enjoy seeing something unique and beautiful made out of something that appears to be nothing.

http://eisymorgan.blogspot.com

http://somedaycrafts.blogspot.com

http://handmaderecess.blogspot.com

http://pinklemonade-blog.com

I absolutely love quotes…they can be inspiring, challenging, refreshing, emotional, simple, unique, quirky, light-hearted, sincere…they can be anything really and for the most part I will love them. They are small gems found in the places you least expect them sometimes.

“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.” - Mother Teresa

“Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness.” - Mother Teresa

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Prayer without action grows into powerless pietism, and action without prayer degenerates into questionable manipulation." - Henri Nouwen

“You are more than dust and bones. You are spirit and power and image of God. And you have been given Today." - Shauna Niequist

"Love is always bestowed as a gift-freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." - Leo Buscaglia

‎"True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar; it is not haphazard and superficial. It comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I love…African sunsets! They are breathtaking!

A little bit of who I am...

Hi there…

My name is Lisa Dawn Rouse, however my last name will be changing in just over a year. I am SO excited.

 Redeeming Love is the name of my blog, because it is the story of my life and who I am. I have been redeemed by the love of Christ and His ultimate sacrifice for me and for you. That in itself is reason enough to write.

I live in Zimbabwe, Africa. However, I am currently studying Social Work at Azusa Pacific University in Azusa, California. I love my home country; it is a beautiful place and has the potential to be the breadbasket of Africa. It has had a challenging past filled with hatred, war and a great deal of bloodshed. However, I believe that anything is possible with God and that it is on the journey of healing and becoming all that it was intended to be. My heart for Zimbabwe and its people is huge. I desire to see change and restoration take place and I believe that part of my purpose is to be a tool in bringing that about. Pursuing my BSW is a huge part of God’s plan in equipping me for the work I hope to do back home. It has been a challenging and beautiful journey, living in another country for what will be four years and being far away from the ones I love and the country I love. But it will all be worth it! J I am so thankful for this amazing opportunity and privilege of furthering my education and being able to use it to further the lives of many.

So as I mentioned earlier, my name will be changing in just over a year. YES, I am getting married. I am engaged to the most amazing man I know, Robert Itayi Chifokoyo. He is gentle, kind, loving, funny, supportive, encouraging, strong, and bold, oh how I could go on. The thing I love the most about him is the way he loves the Lord and his heart to serve the Lord with all that he has. He has a heart for the forgotten people and to see them come to know the saving grace of Jesus Christ. He longs for people to know the freedom, grace, and redemption that he has found in Christ. His heart is HUGE! I am so very blessed to be loved by him, romanced by him, and to be getting ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Our journey has been a long beautiful one. It has certainly had it’s dark moments, but the Lord has been gracious and merciful to us each step of the way. We have grown and learned so much through our almost ten years of being friends and I am so grateful that next year our journey together will continue in a new way, a beautiful way, as husband and wife. There is nothing that sounds better than spending the rest of my life with my very bestest friend. I love you Robert Itayi!

Thanks for stopping by and reading a little about who I am!

Love and blessings!

Rest

What does it mean to rest? Hmm...If only I knew ;) Well...this is an interesting season in life for me. I am learning, well more honestly attempting to learn what rest is. It's a word that we use often, however the true meaning of rest is not always used, just like the word love, rest is over used. Unfortunately our society doesn't celebrate periods of rest, we celebrate over great achievements and awards. However we never seem to celebrate rest, because if we are honest with ourselves we are probably deeply afraid of REST. I know that I most certainly am. I am a slight over-achiever; it doesn't have to be in merely academics, it can be in anything. It's terrible. I have to always be busy doing something, whether it is rushing from a class, to an appointment, to work, to a staff meeting, to an event, back to class, don't forget those coffee dates with the girls and then it all starts over again. Weekends jam packed back to back with busyness, wanting to see everybody and do everything, wanting to achieve both my self-goals as well as the things that I think people expect of me. By no means am I proud of all this busyness; rather I am ashamed of it.

So you may be wondering, just like me, well why now write about this. Why realize this now...good question!! :) I think if I had it my way I wouldn't be reflecting on all this stuff. However, for the past 7weeks I have been very ill and it ended with a 2-day stay in the hospital, no fun! So if there is one thing in my life that is constant it is that the Lord uses each and every aspect of my life to teach me something. HE teaches me even when I don't think I am being taught something or that he is talking to me. That is how I felt in the hospital. I felt alone. Yes, my wonderful friends and American family came to visit me and love on me. However, there was this deep sense of loneliness and I couldn't help but want to know why or what it was. It wasn't that God was far away but rather it was that I was far away from myself and the person I desire to be, I was alone because I hadn't stopped for a very long time and spent time with myself and here I was lying in a hospital bed, an IV in my arm, with a bunch of different things going through it, and nothing but myself. I was alone.

In this moment more than anything I wanted to pull that IV out and run, run into the busyness of life, run to class, run to work and run back to class.... I wanted to run. Then it dawned on me that there was something wrong with this picture. Yes, everyone that has been in hospital wants to get out of there, cause it’s awful. However, for me it was different, it was more than merely being in hospital it was this dead holt that my life had come to and all I could think of was everything I still had to get done, papers, assignments, appointments, work...but that is not what I needed to be concerned about. I needed to take a moment to be concerned about what my life was looking like and that pretty much if I carried on along this journey that I would end up a lot worse, completely burnt out and broken down by all the busyness, stress and anxiety.

I am definitely not finding this realization easy. It is hard and painful. There have been lots of tears and processing conversations and lots and lots of prayer and talking with the Lord. I am realizing more and more during this time that I have a constant need to be in control and for everything to always be ok (yes, those of you that know me so well are either nodding or giggling away at this because yes it is indeed true). So there it is the big thing that plagues me during this time, control and everything being ok. I am learning though that "okayness" is not always guaranteed. That there are certainly moments when it feels like the ground beneath me has turned into sinking sand and what I thought was okay isn’t, but the other part of that is that God doesn’t promise everything will be ok BUT what He does promise is that He will never leave of forsake us. So in the midst of the ground turning into sinking sand He is there, in the midst of doctors appointments and hospitals He is there, in the midst of exams He is there and in the midst of death, brokenness, pain, heartache, He is right there. For this I am thankful for because I don’t need to be in control because my God is bigger than any thing I go through and He is not shocked when these stretching and painful seasons come, He is not confused or unsure of what will happen, because He knows, because He is my creator and He is in control.

Rest…this word fascinates me and as I said earlier I am attempting to learn what it truly means and learning how we rest and do we do it well…I don’t know…but what I do know is that I need rest and that I am finding rest in the small ways that I can…I am finding rest in the Lord…in reading books…in writing…in prayer…in conversations…and in beautiful still and silent moments.