Rest

What does it mean to rest? Hmm...If only I knew ;) Well...this is an interesting season in life for me. I am learning, well more honestly attempting to learn what rest is. It's a word that we use often, however the true meaning of rest is not always used, just like the word love, rest is over used. Unfortunately our society doesn't celebrate periods of rest, we celebrate over great achievements and awards. However we never seem to celebrate rest, because if we are honest with ourselves we are probably deeply afraid of REST. I know that I most certainly am. I am a slight over-achiever; it doesn't have to be in merely academics, it can be in anything. It's terrible. I have to always be busy doing something, whether it is rushing from a class, to an appointment, to work, to a staff meeting, to an event, back to class, don't forget those coffee dates with the girls and then it all starts over again. Weekends jam packed back to back with busyness, wanting to see everybody and do everything, wanting to achieve both my self-goals as well as the things that I think people expect of me. By no means am I proud of all this busyness; rather I am ashamed of it.

So you may be wondering, just like me, well why now write about this. Why realize this now...good question!! :) I think if I had it my way I wouldn't be reflecting on all this stuff. However, for the past 7weeks I have been very ill and it ended with a 2-day stay in the hospital, no fun! So if there is one thing in my life that is constant it is that the Lord uses each and every aspect of my life to teach me something. HE teaches me even when I don't think I am being taught something or that he is talking to me. That is how I felt in the hospital. I felt alone. Yes, my wonderful friends and American family came to visit me and love on me. However, there was this deep sense of loneliness and I couldn't help but want to know why or what it was. It wasn't that God was far away but rather it was that I was far away from myself and the person I desire to be, I was alone because I hadn't stopped for a very long time and spent time with myself and here I was lying in a hospital bed, an IV in my arm, with a bunch of different things going through it, and nothing but myself. I was alone.

In this moment more than anything I wanted to pull that IV out and run, run into the busyness of life, run to class, run to work and run back to class.... I wanted to run. Then it dawned on me that there was something wrong with this picture. Yes, everyone that has been in hospital wants to get out of there, cause it’s awful. However, for me it was different, it was more than merely being in hospital it was this dead holt that my life had come to and all I could think of was everything I still had to get done, papers, assignments, appointments, work...but that is not what I needed to be concerned about. I needed to take a moment to be concerned about what my life was looking like and that pretty much if I carried on along this journey that I would end up a lot worse, completely burnt out and broken down by all the busyness, stress and anxiety.

I am definitely not finding this realization easy. It is hard and painful. There have been lots of tears and processing conversations and lots and lots of prayer and talking with the Lord. I am realizing more and more during this time that I have a constant need to be in control and for everything to always be ok (yes, those of you that know me so well are either nodding or giggling away at this because yes it is indeed true). So there it is the big thing that plagues me during this time, control and everything being ok. I am learning though that "okayness" is not always guaranteed. That there are certainly moments when it feels like the ground beneath me has turned into sinking sand and what I thought was okay isn’t, but the other part of that is that God doesn’t promise everything will be ok BUT what He does promise is that He will never leave of forsake us. So in the midst of the ground turning into sinking sand He is there, in the midst of doctors appointments and hospitals He is there, in the midst of exams He is there and in the midst of death, brokenness, pain, heartache, He is right there. For this I am thankful for because I don’t need to be in control because my God is bigger than any thing I go through and He is not shocked when these stretching and painful seasons come, He is not confused or unsure of what will happen, because He knows, because He is my creator and He is in control.

Rest…this word fascinates me and as I said earlier I am attempting to learn what it truly means and learning how we rest and do we do it well…I don’t know…but what I do know is that I need rest and that I am finding rest in the small ways that I can…I am finding rest in the Lord…in reading books…in writing…in prayer…in conversations…and in beautiful still and silent moments.